Hula Hoop

My home is a disaster as I hate cleaning.

Saint Quentin Crisp once famously said that after the third year the dust doesn’t get any worse, and I’m getting to that kind of level.

I wanted to hire a cleaner but was scared of big companies. I had heard they had to send two ladies at once for safety, that you had to pay both, we’re talking $150 to clean my bachelor apartment, which seems like a lot.

I found an ad for a cleaner in my local gay paper and called the man who I set an appointment with. The ad said “Tony loves to clean!” One thing Tony apparently doesn’t like doing is keeping his commitments as he never showed.

Unsure of where to turn, I headed over to Craigslist. See, one other reason I’m scared of who I hire is I don’t want some old lady who’s going to be put off by the sight of homosexual pornography or Justin Bieber blow-up dolls. So I went to Craigslist, where you get a real mixed bag of people. One of the first ads I saw:

Mid-Thirties Dude ISO part-time maid for tumblr-porn curating, some cleaning, and watching online kinky sex. Must have non-squidy labia, know how to make coffee, and an appetite for sex. Also must have good grammar and spelling.

Now I do have good grammar and spelling, but I’m not sure about the labia portion.

I found another ad that said “Gay male cleaner” and wondered if it was the same guy from before who never wrote me back. It very well may have been, as I never heard from him either.

I found an ad that said $16/hour and called her. Screw politeness or good fit, at this point I just want someone to show up. My cat is hidden under a trash heap.

I called her and asked the woman her name. English didn’t appear to be her first, or second, or third language, and I think she said it was Hula Hoop.

The woman was very eager and said she wanted to come over right away. Seeing as it was noon on a Thursday, not that great for me, so I had to postpone her.

Hula Hoop said it was now $70 per visit, and when I asked her why she said something I didn’t understand one word of. So I said yes and we made an appointment for 5:30 this evening, Friday night.

Hula just called and said she can’t come until tomorrow and will now be showing up at 10 am tomorrow morning, Saturday.

What the hell is it with these people? I’m giving like $25 an hour tax free with breaks and providing all the supplies and I live right downtown, very central, and I still can’t get anyone to show up.

Where can I find a good hula hoop???