Monday, February 25, 2013

The cleaner comes over

Further to my last post about Hula Hoop, that Saturday morning she did come over.

I was woken up at 9:30 by Hula Hoop calling to say she couldn't find my house.  I tried to give her directions as I quickly threw on some clothes and when I stepped out the door she was there.

As soon as she walked in, she's like "I thought you said 2 bedrooms". (It should be noted for the sake of clarity I will be typing in English.  If I typed what she said, it would be more like (loudly) "HOW MANY BEDROOM????"  Me: "Zero, this is it." "I THOUGHT YOU SAY TWO!  WELL, QUI EURIWE QIWUIJF....." I couldn't understand it, but it was loud.)

So $70 was for a 2 bedroom?  I was confident it would take her 3 hours just to do my little place anyway.

Hula steps in and takes off her winter boots and has no shoes or socks on. Bare feet.  She looks up at me and says "YOU HAVE SHOES I CAN WEAR?" (typing like this is more fun) So I went in the closet and managed to find an old pair of flip flops that were about 200 sizes too big on her, and I thought to myself, "This is going well."

Hula starts in the kitchen and sprays the oven cleaner everywhere, and then is like "YOU HAVE GLOVES?" which I didn't.  To me if you need gloves you should bring them, or ask first, or something.  Anyway, I went to the store to get some.

While I was gone, the oven cleaner sat there for 30 minutes or so and when I got back I noticed a spot of it got on my counter top and ate right through:
I went  to the Hardware Store today to ask if there was anything to hide the mark with, they said no.  Great.

Hula continued to clean, I asked her about the fridge and she said it was an extra $20. I said fine but when she said she was finished, I noticed she hadn't actually moved anything.  She kind of cleaned AROUND the stuff already in the fridge, so I took the stuff out and put it on the counter and asked her to clean again, which she did.

As she was cleaning, she would occasionally scream things at me in a not so subtle way.  She said she was from Turkey and I would suggest if she is a spy, they need better training in subtlety. She's cleaning, then stops and comes over to me and is like "WHO YOU VOTE FOR?" I'm like, "What? Excuse me?" and this continued with other bons mots, such as "WHAT RELIGION YOU?"

Usually these questions are accompanied by my silence and a look like I've been punched in the chest, so she would elaborate. For example with religion, she continued "YOU CATHOLIC?" I'm like "No...." "YOU BELIEVE IN GOD THOUGH, RIGHT?" I'm like "No...." and I'm wondering if she's now going to either offer me religious pamphlets or stop cleaning and run out the door. She ended with "YOU ARE A SOCIALIST?" to which I said yes, mainly to get the interrogation to stop, and she's like "AHHHHH. NOW I SEE!"

She kept going on, telling me different stories.  She said she usually doesn't clean men's houses as they all put the moves on her. This being despite the fact that I'm a man and she came with no questions asked, so whatever.  Who knows, maybe she did ask questions.  I couldn't understand half of what she said.

So she's telling me these times that she was cleaning and a guy took off all his clothes, or another time when she had to tell someone she was going to call the police if he phoned her again.  I said she should clean for gay men.  She's like "YAH, YAH..." Then she moves over and is actually dusting my oil panting of a nude man, and as she cleans the penis area, she's like "YOU ARE GAY?" and I said I was.  She was shocked to the core.  Apparently they didn't include this in the Soviet training manual. I would say she was shocked for like 5 minutes, repeating "YOU ARE GAY?!?!?"  Now at this point she'd already been in my house for 2 hours and as I mentioned, was cleaning a nude man, so I don't know how any of this wasn't apparent earlier.

She eventually left, agreeing to come back in two weeks for two hours for $55 and another $10 next time for the windows, inside and outside.

There were little things when she left, like her ad said "We even clean the kitty litter!" but she hadn't touched the kitty littler. Also she cleaned by whole bathroom but the framed pictures I have in there, she didn't clean the glass.  It was full of toothpaste marks.  So I spent maybe 30 minutes or so tidying up things after she left and it was done.

It was really nice to have a clean house, but I told her next time she comes I'd leave a key, I don't need to be there.

I like the clean, but some of the other stuff, a bit less so.

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