Went to see a couple plays at the Fringe Festival today and they couldn't have been more different. The first was so bad it's not worth mentioning. I found myself pondering life, how little time we have on the planet, and how much of it is being spent waiting for the crap play to end, not wanting to walk out and be impolite.
The second was a one-man play called Baggage about a man named Shaun and his love life. I dated a very similar man. His name was also Shaun, he was also very straight acting, very handsome, concerned with appearance.
The story was moving and honest, well done. And it got me thinking. Shaun and I didn't work out but there was always a tension between us, a sense of what might have been, that continued until his death from HIV complications.
And so I left the theatre with a greater sense of why it didn't work between us. This Shaun, and that Shaun, seemed to tick all the boxes, so what was missing?
I think I know. I think it's a passion. I don't have many feelings, I don't have highs and lows, I'm pretty much the same everytime you see me, in every setting. But I do have passion. I see all kinds of theatre. I want to stay up until 1 am discussing poetry. I remember when I read the book Borrowed Time there were lines in the book I could feel in my soul. It changed me, it haunts me.
I am not as concerned with appearance as either Shaun is. It just doesn't matter. I know what matters.
So this is why I'm not with Shaun. But if I'm honest, it's not why I'm single right now.
The idea of dating scares me. Of having to put your best foot forward, I feel I have 2 left feet. Every relationship I've had for the last 8 years has fallen into my lap. Figuratively. Something within me has lost the will to try. I want someone presentable but feel I lack the dress and grooming sense to be worthy of someone presentable. I want someone outgoing and independent but have moments of self doubt and in many ways lack the self security to keep up. I want someone emotionally availble but in no way clingly. I want someone strong enough to think for themselves but also weak enough to handle my bossy nature. And it just all seems like so much. I dated extensively, I loved and lost, and in a way I just want a break. But I also don't.
So in the meantime, I go to plays, I see art, I am moved. And when I got home from the play, I shaved. Did the laundry and will have clean clothes. Little steps forward. And maybe, just maybe, will put myself out there again.