Saturday, February 5, 2011

A brief comment interlude

I don't know how older people get together.  It must be a tremendous desire to and a bending of wills, and a part of me thinks it's a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence, but I could be wrong, I only came up with the theory today.
I started seeing someone for about 10 minutes before I left on the cruise.  Now when I was younger I would have thought about this person, called him, written about him, talked about him with all my friends.  But I didn't.  I had to work late all week and the little time I did have I wanted to spend time by myself.
So I got a message from him today, as I have gotten the same message from a different man in my life the last three years I went on this cruise, saying I was moving too fast. I believe it was code for he felt threatened by me on the cruise.  But what I do know is it's not that I was moving too fast, in fact I wasn't moving at all.  Unlike when I was younger, I hadn't moved a single step.  And I think the impulse when I was younger would be to rush and correct the mistake, find out what was in his mind, see if I could correct whatever the problem was. 
Who the heck has the time or desire for all that?
When I say I have self-confidence, I mean it.  When I say that I know I will be fine without a man, for the first time in my life, I mean it, I REALLY mean it.
There was a brief exchange and he mocked me, not in a big way, a very little way in fact, but he did. 
So I suppose this is why I'm writing this.  Trying to sort out in my head, and on paper, what this means, what I feel.  I think a part of me is mad that I'm feeling anything, that this new wave of self-confidence hasn't just made me blow over this in 2 nano-seconds, and I don't think that's realistic and I don't think I'm being fair to myself.  This is my new goal.  Set realistic expectations for myself.
Okay, so I feel bad there was an argument/disagreement/tiff, whatever the hell it was.  I feel like there is a trend of people rejecting me and I don't like that, but at the same time I was mocked, that I was rejected for not having petty insecurities, and that's not what I'm looking for anyway, so maybe if the wrong people keep rejecting me, maybe that's okay.  I'm going a step further and saying it's a good thing, and will have a positive effect on my long term growth.
So life has moved on, and I am a little blue about the situation, and that's okay.
We good.  Thanks for listening.

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