I don't know how older people get together. It must be a tremendous desire to and a bending of wills, and a part of me thinks it's a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence, but I could be wrong, I only came up with the theory today.
I started seeing someone for about 10 minutes before I left on the cruise. Now when I was younger I would have thought about this person, called him, written about him, talked about him with all my friends. But I didn't. I had to work late all week and the little time I did have I wanted to spend time by myself.
So I got a message from him today, as I have gotten the same message from a different man in my life the last three years I went on this cruise, saying I was moving too fast. I believe it was code for he felt threatened by me on the cruise. But what I do know is it's not that I was moving too fast, in fact I wasn't moving at all. Unlike when I was younger, I hadn't moved a single step. And I think the impulse when I was younger would be to rush and correct the mistake, find out what was in his mind, see if I could correct whatever the problem was.
Who the heck has the time or desire for all that?
When I say I have self-confidence, I mean it. When I say that I know I will be fine without a man, for the first time in my life, I mean it, I REALLY mean it.
There was a brief exchange and he mocked me, not in a big way, a very little way in fact, but he did.
So I suppose this is why I'm writing this. Trying to sort out in my head, and on paper, what this means, what I feel. I think a part of me is mad that I'm feeling anything, that this new wave of self-confidence hasn't just made me blow over this in 2 nano-seconds, and I don't think that's realistic and I don't think I'm being fair to myself. This is my new goal. Set realistic expectations for myself.
Okay, so I feel bad there was an argument/disagreement/tiff, whatever the hell it was. I feel like there is a trend of people rejecting me and I don't like that, but at the same time I was mocked, that I was rejected for not having petty insecurities, and that's not what I'm looking for anyway, so maybe if the wrong people keep rejecting me, maybe that's okay. I'm going a step further and saying it's a good thing, and will have a positive effect on my long term growth.
So life has moved on, and I am a little blue about the situation, and that's okay.
We good. Thanks for listening.