Thursday, November 8, 2012

Cruise, Day Four

Some observations to follow. There’s always a point of introspection on this cruise.
Woke up, watched pool games, sat in the sun. Went to the dance but wasn’t feeling it as much. The dance theme today was "Indian Summer".
Went to dinner, sat at Milosh’s table, found out his name is spelled Milos Vujanic. The others didn’t really seem to want to play like before which disappointed me as I was more into him than ever.  Dinner was very good though, I think he makes the food better.  I got another photo with him, the look on his face is from me innocently grabbing his butt.
When I got the photo back I was in a kind of shock, you know, I look and here’s this handsome 23 year old beside me and I look 100 years old and 300 lbs.  When the fuck did that happen?  I was able to crop it a bit to lessen the effect but it was still shocking.  Who you are on the inside seems to change slower than the outside.  In my mind I’m his contemporary, and then I see us together, and, uh, no. My mind seems to realize that, and I attempt to woo him with money and status and charm rather than looks, but seeing the photo together was again a shock.
After dinner we went and put on our costumes.  I’ve had some luck this trip, my “Shut the Front Door” people have liked, and then tonight I wore my costume which people liked, a lot of good comments, which for a Dollar Store costume I thought was good.
 Introspection #1 – Some one made a negative sort of comment in passing.  Lately I’ve been leaving this sort of thing out of my blogging, if I have something negative happen I figure I don’t need to remember it later, and I should ignore adversity, etc. I won’t even go in to what the comment was, it’s not the point, but one thing I realized afterward is that 50 good comments and 1 bad one and I remember the bad one.  I realized there will always be haters, negative people, comments, things.  I kind of thought I could block out negativity, but it seems it will always find a way in.  I need to be able to not ignore it, but to put it in its place, which is nowhere.  I am no better or worse than anyone here and people who don’t think that are wrong.
I bought a ring in the Harvey Milk Camera Store in San Francisco that is now the Human Rights Campaign store that says “Equal”. I bought it as it means many things to me.  Equal to straights.  Need of equal rights. But also a deeper message, the one on Paul Monette’s grave, about over-coming the “pit of self-hatred”.  Something I think most people are still working on.  I was wearing the ring when I visited Monette’s grave, I put it on his grave. I wear it now to remind myself when necessary that I am equal, I am good.
The second introspection quickly as I’m ready to move on.  I find as I get older I have to focus less on this stuff, which I like.
Introspection #2 – A man came on to me.  It was after dinner, after the Halloween parade, and I was in the piano bar, costume off, and he spoke to me, shook my hand, held it.  We had spoken before. He said he thought I was hot, asked if I had a partner.  I said no, he said maybe we can do something about that.  I freaked out.
When I have come on this cruise and no one has hit on me, which actually I don’t think has happened but for some reason I pretend it did, I think what’s wrong with me.  Then when someone does, I think Argh, not ready for this!
I feel like I’ve just gotten to a place where I’m okay with me, and then when someone else comes in to the picture I’m back to square one.  I first look for flaws, a little old, too short.  But handsome and manly with a nice hand shake and holding his hand feels good.  But the questions keep coming, who’s room would we go to, do I feel like it, and mainly ARGH! I was kind of seeing someone in Toronto before I left.  I had told myself I would keep it strictly physical but I think a couple of feelings started to happen so I broke it off.  He called a couple of times and just before I left he wrote saying he was hurt and disappointed. I think a part of me feels still not good enough, even actively doing things to make myself be not good enough, and when people are able to get through the facade anyway, it freaks me out.
I need to figure this out.
Okay, not today though.
Went to the Halloween party, my favourite costume was Aunt Jamima. My favourite moment was in the room where Miss Richfield complimented my costume, I told her I loved her, I got a photo with her, and then immediately after I took like two steps and got a photo with Brian Nash and Nate Bucierri which was awesome.
There’s so much awesome in my life, so many good things.  A guy here said something like he couldn’t believe I had such a charming personality. There’s a lot of good. Lately I’ve been giving myself permission to believe it.
I think what got me today is that every other cruise I have had moments of self doubt, believing I wasn’t good enough or didn’t fit it.  Today I think I realized truly for the first time I am good enough, if I want to fit in, I can and do. And I think I got a little freaked out.  But I think it’s a good step in the right direction.

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