Solicitation

I have been solicited. Every minute it seems. And for things I don’t want and would never buy. Chicken burritos at the Baseball game? Ok. Colon cleansers in my email? Not so much.

Who the Hell believes they can lose 20 pounds from LAST week by shoving water up their ass? So much so that they need to send away for the applicator? Are there this many idiots?Every day on the way to and from work, I get asked to buy the Globe and Mail, for change for a sandwich, to support Black History causes, and finally to work out at the No Sweat gym. Every day, the same people. It could become a sitcom, I’ll go “Hi, Sue” and Sue will reply “Morning Adam!”

When I get home I have at least 5 flyers a night. I put a note on my mailbox saying “No flyers please”. It lasted one day. The next day, flyers! It’s like Kramer and the post office from Seinfeld, I’m going to have to brick it up.

Then I get in, check my phone messages, always at least one. Mary-Ellen from the Moving Company has called me once a week since I moved in asking if I was ready to move yet. I wonder if she’s really my next door neighbour trying to give me a hint. Another popular one I get because I live in a good neighbourhood is people trying to sell my home on T.V. My bachelor apartment with cat should get quite the price.

Finally I check my email. In addition to the colon cleanser one above, I get email, and calls, and passenger pigeons from the NDP. I joined them 3 years ago and gave them $10. They will never stop.

But I do fight back! (Not that it makes the slightest difference.)

For the NDP, I sent them an email saying if they ever contact me again I will never vote for their party again, and I mean it. I’m done. When the election starts they will send groups of people to my house, it will be like Woodstock. Well, not this time sister!

I called the moving company back yesterday 12 times, once for every time they’ve called me, to advise them that I still am not ready. To the colon cleanser e-mailer, I left a message “I hope when you die and go to Heaven, Saint Peter looks at your life, sees you sent this email, and sends you to Hell.”

I’m on the CMA’s DO NOT CONTACT list, are we really all this helpless?